Hockey fans, let's face it – the way we chatter about hockey is absolutely maddening, and it's pushing me toward a full-blown meltdown!
I adore hockey with all my heart, but after following it so intensely for years, it's twisted my perspective. I've witnessed too much, and now pure joy has evaporated, leaving only frustration and disdain in its wake.
Countless folks have been tossing around irritating remarks about hockey for far too long. Enough is enough! Today, I'm dishing out a list of all the grating ways people discuss hockey, and why we desperately need to ditch them – or I might just explode.
Clinch a Berth
This one grates on my nerves like nails on a chalkboard. To me, a berth is that spot on the dock where boats tie up. Pair it with 'clinch,' and it sounds like someone's stuttered advice on childbirth – something I've experienced as deeply unsettling and not something I'd ever link to the thrill of hockey.
But here's where it gets controversial... Many swear by this phrasing, claiming it's precise sports lingo. What do you think – is it just harmless jargon, or does it cross into unintentionally hilarious territory? Share your take in the comments!
Magic Number / Tragic Number
Honestly, I'm clueless about this. Despite watching the sport for three decades and reporting on it for 15 years, the core idea of a 'magic number' still eludes me. Sure, I can Google it and give a rough rundown to someone like my mom, but the real gist feels as impenetrable as advanced algebra – a subject I barely scratched in school, where I maxed out at understanding hypotenuses. Since 2012, I've been bluffing my way through advanced stats, relying on spreadsheets to do the heavy lifting.
And this is the part most people miss... It's not just me; beginners often feel overwhelmed by these terms, which can make the game seem elitist. Should hockey lingo evolve to be more accessible, or is mastering this part of the fun? I'd love to hear your opinions!
Games in Hand
I just don't grasp it. These games are still in the future, not literally in your possession. They're upcoming matches, not something clutched in your fist. Come playoff time, I'll have to retrain my brain to decode phrases like 'the Nashville Predators have two fewer games in hand than the Calgary Flames.' Luckily, I might not need to wrap my head around that exact scenario.
Just Need Some Consistency
Underperforming teams often moan about needing consistency, especially after a dismal performance like a 20% shooting accuracy on the road against a rested Nashville Predators squad. They'll say, 'We just have to build on this win and find consistency.' But no, you really don't. The last thing a struggling team should aim for is consistency. Instead, embrace the chaos like riding a wave of luck – think of it as hockey's version of a wild ride, where defenses are optional, goalies perform acrobatics, and a rebellious 19-year-old gets top-line minutes for maximum entertainment.
Remember, consistency isn't synonymous with excellence; you want the latter. Is demanding consistency from bad teams reasonable, or should we celebrate their unpredictable flair? This could spark a heated debate – weigh in below!
Classless
This label gets slapped on anyone doing something you dislike, falling into two categories: a) dishonorable actions or b) simply not approving of someone enjoying sports openly. It's socially acceptable to criticize a sucker punch, but cheering goals should be celebrated, even if your team is ahead. Hockey ought to be joyful and normal to express enthusiasm about.
For instance, imagine a tweet game where every response must include 'classless.' Starting with: Svechnikov demanding his stick back from a fan? Classless move. (Credit to RMNB's tweet from January 4, 2020).
On a personal note, as someone with unconventional views, I argue that being 'classless' can be liberating. First, cultivate class awareness, identify revolutionary leaders, and voila – a society without classes. Also, avoid phrases like 'stay classy,' which one TV writer called 'clammy.' What boundaries should we set for celebrating in sports? Does 'classless' unfairly judge natural excitement?
Feels Like a Playoff Game
Nope, it absolutely does not. You're not being truthful. There's no sweltering 80-degree heat, no allergy-inducing pollen clouds, no sunset lingering at 8 PM, and certainly no nervous stomach issues. You're just observing a low-scoring match packed with physical hits.
Playoff hockey often carries an undeserved hype. Speaking from experience covering the 2024 Rangers-Caps series, if a game is compelling, it should stand on its own. Let the regular season shine too, even though it's already too long and set to stretch further – ticket sales drive ownership decisions. Hearing 'feels like a playoff game' always prompts the unspoken thought: 'unlike those dull, irrelevant regular-season matches.'
This is the part most people miss... Regular season games deserve their own excitement without playoff comparisons. Are we undervaluing the season's worth? Let's discuss!
Goal-Scorer's Goal
Just stop. You sound pretentious. The player who nets the goal is obviously the goal-scorer, thanks to basic logic. You're really hinting at unexpected skill from someone you view as clumsy, despite them being among the elite 0.01% of hockey talent worldwide.
Recall Joel Rechlicz's shootout goal – it happened, truly. Even lesser-known players can pull off top-shelf shots.
Find a Way to Win
Outpacing your opponent is unequivocally the sole path to victory. Once, the Chicago Blackhawks got so agitated they forfeited a game in protest (as reported by The New York Times in 1933), but even then, they were trailing.
If I'm generous – which this piece isn't aiming to be – it means adapting: maybe dominating on the power play in a blowout or snagging a shootout winner like Joel Rechlicz.
The real power of this phrase is masking doubt. Say the Nashville Predators 'find a way to win' three straight amid a 3-0-7 slump. Is this optimism or denial? Share your controversial takes!
Hates to Lose
Come on, seriously? A top-tier athlete preferring wins? It translates to subdued post-game interviews with vocal strain, indirectly apologizing to the goalie for the letdown, and groveling for pundit approval (and yes, 'groveling' requires careful spelling).
Everyone dislikes losing. As Terry Pratchett wisely noted, 'If failure had no penalty, success would not be a prize.' The rest is dramatic flair – this is sports soap opera, after all.
Expected by Whom?
Enough already. Expected goals estimate hypothetical tallies against an average goalie, based on shot quantity and quality. I'm defending Evgeny Kuznetsov with murky math here, while you mock me.
Commenters have it easy – no spreadsheets for them! I'm buried in stats I half-understand, justifying a player's value for his entertainment factor. Cut me some slack.
Nicknames
This guy's 36, wealthy, with a full beard, multiple homes, kids named something like Jizlynn. His groin has been rebuilt via surgeries, like a Ship of Theseus puzzle. He's survived decapitating shots without missing shifts. Treat him as an adult: Braden, Brandon, or Brendan Holtby. No lazy nicknames from half-said surnames.
If nicknaming, make it creative, like 'The Mechanic' for Alex Ovechkin.
Combined Stats
Picture the line of Stromer, Ovi, and Beauvi netting two goals, say against the Nashville Predators. Saying they 'combined for six points' deserves a shoe thrown at you.
NHL scoring is bizarre: goals vary in value, assists are arbitrary, scorekeepers whimsical. You might get credit for a distant touch before a Swan Lake-worthy move by Kuznetsov leads to a goal.
Points are illogical; double-counting is wrong. Share the goal point equally; plus-minus too. Beginners, think of it as teamwork credit gone awry.
Plus/Minus
You know the drill already – it's the stat tracking goals for vs. against while on ice.
Corsi and Fenwick
As a kid, I loved Aragorn's aliases: Strider, Elessar, etc. Now, it's exhausting. Corsi means shot attempts; Fenwick too, with a minor difference. Over a decade (2010-2019), forwards averaged a 0.8% gap between them. Simplify: call them shot attempts. People are savvy enough to understand. No need for obscure names; one even ties to a controversial inventor.
P.S. – Someday, I'll share the backlash emails from an old article. Maybe in a book.
Have Their Way With
Eww, no. For a team dominating, try 'dominate,' 'dictate play,' or even 'mollywhop.'
Hockey culture has issues; don't invoke more just to describe the Nashville Predators' losses.
Hearing
This is insider jargon on social media. Endless threads like 'Who is hearing X?' It's vague sharing of controlled info, not true rumors. Contrast with real investigative journalism, like Katie Strang's work.
O Captain, My Captain
The captain dies in the poem – wrong for Ovechkin's insurance goal against the Predators. Great poem, though. Fun fact: Cap’n Crunch's real name is Horatio Magellan Crunch.
On a Pace (After the First Game)
Excited for tweets claiming Ovechkin's on pace for 168 goals after a hat trick opener. Ridiculous. Justin Sourdif scoring one? Technically 82-goal pace, but you're just trolling.
Ban mentions before American Thanksgiving.
The Book Is Out on the Goalie
We've 'cracked the book' – he's weak to high-stick-side shots, lateral passes, screens. Same for all goalies, revealed early in playoffs. Otherwise, we'd take safer shots.
Gonna Want That One Back
Of course – the puck entered his net. He regrets it, fault or not.
We all wish for do-overs: my ska music phase, overusing 'epic' in 2005-2015, betting on Madison Bowey, or my chain wallet. Actually, I want that back; it's timeless.
Mark Messier
I can't stand this guy, resembling a handsome face stretched over Frankenstein. His leadership award, judged by himself, honors leaders like Trouba, Bergeron, Engelland – implying he's the ultimate because he once guaranteed a win.
It was monthly for five months in 2006-07 before annual picks. Ovechkin winning last year offended me personally.
Team Hashtags
I avoid hashtags, except #RMNBInvestigates and #joebsuitofthenight. NHL's premium hashflags create mottos, fine for moves but dissonant in bad news. Some are awful, like #TimeToHunt for the Wild or #Redvolution for the Hurricanes. Time to retire them with old Predators runs.
I have tons more. This is part one – consider it a warning. What hockey phrases annoy you most? Do you agree some should stick around for tradition, or is it time for a jargon revolution? Drop your thoughts and spark a debate in the comments!
